Life is never dull is it?
I just started into the 6 week preparation phase before making the Spiritual Exercises.
(For those who don't know too much about this - I'd decided some time ago that this was what was next for me on my Ignatian journey and have been looking forward to getting underway - they start in September to roughly parallel the liturgical year.
The Spiritual Exercises are really a form of retreat and were created in the sixteenth century by St Ignatius of Loyola based on ordered, scripture-based meditations and contemplations. St Ignatius believed that the Exercises needed extended time to unfold and that retreatants (me) needed individual guidance. Initially the exercises lasted over a 30 day retreat period, however, St Ignatius must have been prophetic because he made provision that the exercises could also be made in 'everyday life' over a period of around 9 - 12 months.
The Exercises are divided into four sections known as 'weeks' (these obviously aren't actual weeks when making the exercises in everyday life) separated by 'rest days'. In each 'week' you are invited to become more fully aware of an aspect of God's call, and to begin the process of co-operating with it. Different kinds of prayer are explored and there is an emphasis on praying with scripture, opportunity for stillness and use of the 'examen' of consciousness. The Spiritual Exercises involve a process which aims to help you to reach inner freedom in responding to the personal call of Christ to help build the Kingdom of God. They are orientated to mission, and rooted in contemplation.
The purpose of the exercises is to develop characteristics which then become part of daily life. Firstly, better able to discern your inner desires and to see how God is working in your life and in the world; secondly, how to bring together contemplation and action; and thirdly, increasing awareness of the presence and activity of God in all things.
There is an initial 6 week preparation period, daily prayer of around an hour which involves coming to stillness (very hard for me with my butterfly brain!); speaking to God about what it is I desire from the time; reflection / contemplation on a specific passage - which is the bulk of the time - allowing the passage to sit with you and becoming aware of what particularly strikes you; then dialogue with God; a short break; and journalling, paying particular attention to feelings. Each week I meet with my Spiritual Director to reflect on prayer and other experiences since the last meeting, and to agree material for the next week. My Spiritual Director is fabulous and she really helps me to reflect at a much deeper level and draw out God's movement in my life.)
So I was about a week and a half in - very excited - when 'ping' (or something) - excruciating pain and massive agony. Just at the point I was meditating on being 'so wonderfully complex' on God making 'all the delicate inner parts of my body', being loved and cherished, never away from God's presence. It's an interesting juxtaposition to find yourself in. The things that had stood out for me from the passage was the sense of God 'knowing my anxious thoughts' and 'placing your hand of blessing on my head'. I felt very clearly the absolute love and care of God. So at 2 o'clock in the morning as I was pacing my dark livingroom (yes and weeping in agony - I'm so dramatic!), draping myself over the back of my sofa in an effort to find any relief, I had a lot to meditate on.
The question I come to - 'Is God still with me?' - 'Yes'.
'Does he still love me the same way he showed me very vividly a few hours before?' 'Yes'.
The question I begin to ask is - 'How is God there to me?'
'As healer?' - ah - there's a tricky question. I'm surrounded by people who are really into healing and it's fab - every blessing on them and their ministry - seriously - but there is a big hesitation on this one for me - I don't believe that God sends suffering to test us or for any other reason. I don't believe that God even 'allows' suffering, but I do believe that we suffer - heck I could testify to it!! I also believe God can heal and does; but I also believe that not everyone gets healed and it's not because he doesn't love us, or because of our technique or because we used the wrong words or because of lack of faith etc. So how am I to understand God - how is he here to me? I also believe that when we seek God first we're doing the right thing - and I do think there is a difference between seeking God and seeking healing.
So for 10 days of sleeping on my livingroom floor suffering, pacing, spaced out on pills that would floor a horse, (yes there was even a bit more weeping and the odd sweary word), all the while doing my preparation passages meditating on God's care for wild flowers; the fact that he sends rain on the desert places where no-one lives in order to satisfy the parched ground and cause tender grass to spring up; how he crowns me with love and tender mercies; how he draws me into a good pasture; how when I go through deep waters, rivers of difficulty and fires of oppression, he'll be there in the flood and in the fire; even how the ostrich is a bit lacking in wisdom but still has a gift to be able to run like the wind!
What is the nature of the 'How'? He is my Creator, he named me, he is always with me, he knows me, he is God, he delights in his creation and it brings real joy to him to care for it; that's just how it is and it is no less true when I'm in pain than when I'm not. And there is a security in knowing this.
Can suffering have any element of 'gift' in it? Yes. St Ignatius began his 'retreat' because as a soldier, he was wounded by a cannonball in the leg - it was an enforced confinement - probably not particularly pleasant (no horse pills in those days!). There is something to having to live differently, even in your own house, no bed, making a space to sleep, having to think about the position you adopt to sleep that brings comfort. But God is in it. He is no less creator when I suffer than when I am fully fit.
"When you go through deep waters, rivers of difficulty and fires of oppression - you won't drown or be consumed because I will be with you."
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